How it changes things

I had to wait a while to write about everything going on in Colorado. I've been obsessed with it since it happened; unable to tear myself away from the news reports, articles, pictures and tributes. Unable to stop thinking about how terrifying it is that you can't do ANYTHING anymore without worrying about it.It's a lot of information and feeling to process.

59 people were injured and 12 killed on Friday July 20th. Innocent lives taken and changed so quickly. Those who were hurt face not only the physical but emotional challenges of recovering, the guilt of being alive while a loved one died, the fear of going out again and not being scared at every turn. 
Those who weren't physically hurt deal with the feelings of "thank God. I wasn't hurt. I wasn't killed" and the guilt that comes with those thoughts. They too live in fear of doing something as simple as going to the movies. 

Something we take for granted every day. 

The day after this tragedy, I was out running errands and I had to go to CVS to drop off a prescription. I used the drive up window all the time so that day was no different. I pushed the button for service and waited. And waited and waited. Normally I would be peeved at having to wait so long. But that day my thoughts went to a darker place. "What's going on in there?" and "Is everything ok?" and then "What would I do if someone opened that window and pointed a shot gun at me?". I got myself in such a state that I almost drove off. As I was about to leave the pharmacy tech opened the window and said "can I help you?". 

I was like this after Columbine but not as bad. I was younger and didn't really believe that things like this could happen. I had no idea how fragile and short life really is. But when a door in a lecture hall opened unexpectedly, I would stiffen up a little. 

Then there was 9-11. I was a little older and more aware of the news and things going on in the world. I was terrified and scared and jumpy. It took me a long time to fly again. And I hated hearing planes overhead. Something I had once loved so much. 

And now this....somehow this is scarier to me. If it happened at the movies it could happen anywhere. It could happen at the library or the bank or the grocery store.

Or the CVS drive thru. 

Eventually I will calm down again. I will stop being irrational and jumpy. And then something else will happen. 

Life is short and unpredictable. And that scares me more than anything....